Hush.
That is the word God reached over me a month ago.
Every single time I would sit down to write on this blog, I heard that word deep in my core. Hush.
So for the past month -while I didn’t know it at the time- God lead me to a period of silence.
I’ll be honest though…I thought God was angry.
Did I say something to offend Him? Were my words not carefully spoken? Did the stories He was scripting not matter anymore?
No. No. No.
Early this morning, before my body wanted to wake, my little sleepy Kennedy stumbled into my room. She climbed her thin body into my fluffy bed, laid her head against the pillow next to mine and smiled.
“Hey.” she whispered.
“Hey.” I sleepily whispered back.
She grasped her hands together and placed mine over them. Her hands have grown. Her thin fingers are long. Her nails need to be cut and she has made a grand attempt to paint her nails -several different colors.
As she drew my hand over hers, I felt the presence of God in this very unlikely moment.
While she is growing, my hand can still cover hers…
Lying there, I think of a conversation, a question haunting my thoughts, “Nicki, are you doing or are you becoming?” The answer wasn’t clear. Guilt filled my heart. Confusion settles in.
Hush.
My mind runs through the tasks for the day. I think of emails that need response, decisions that need to be made, and questions that need to be asked.
Hush.
I look at Kennedy’s long, blond hair…filled with the morning’s knots. I think of the brushing that I will need to do. She will scream and fuss as I brush those knots out later today.
Hush.
I almost missed it. But God, in His mercy, allows me one more chance…
The question is answered. I want to become.
I want to become the woman who is faithful in the pasture.
I want to become the woman whose scars define and remind me that this is not my own life.
I want to become a woman with an accurate view of Jesus and a life that is a reflection of that.
I want to become the woman growing, whose hands are constantly held by One greater than her.
Hush and Become.
As I type through these thoughts, I think of you, on the other side of this screen.
I think of your struggles. I think of your purpose in this world. I think of the words that God throws to your core today. I wonder what those words are…I wonder what they are doing to you and who you will become because of them.
And while your words may not be able to be spoken today, I want you to know that eventually the words will catch up with the revelation…and God will speak, through you, in His time.
Sometimes its nobody’s business what God is doing in you. There’s a secret place He longs to take us, a place where no one goes but Him. I honestly admit I had feared this place for so long but now…I embrace it -more than anything.
“…a time to be silent and a time to speak.” -Ecclesiastes 3:7
19 Comments
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Sweet Nicki,
This was a beautiful post. I love your intentionality and pursuit of His voice.
-K
Thank you Kristen, love you friend.
All I can say is thank you … for being open and honest and vulnerable. I need to spend some time dealing with the doing that has overtaken the becoming in my heart and life.
Teri, grateful this post through Jesus spoke to you. I understand…
You were speaking directly to my heart today. You looked into my soul and put into words what I’ve been unable to find voice for. How did you know? Thank you.
Deborah, thankful that God spoke to you through this! Praying that you continue to press on and receive all the great “words” that He has for you!
Reading this gave me such chills. Thank you so much for these words. Love you, girl!
Well you KNOW I love you too! 🙂 {hugs}
I’ve been wondering where you’ve been. There were a couple of times when i intended to message you and ask. Why i didn’t get around to it – i don’t know. Perhaps God was telling me to hush. Anyway, glad you’re back.
Thank you Wayne, I love it when you comment on this blog. 🙂
Now that’s sultbe! Great to hear from you.
Thank you for the reminder. 🙂
Thank you for being here today Jenna. 🙂
I have missed your sweet encouraging posts. So glad to see a new post. I totally understand though…The Lord has taught me a similar lesson of needing to hush for a while as well. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Thanks Sara, and thanks for understanding. 🙂
Nicki,
Long time reader, first time poster haha. I felt so humbled in reading this today. Thank you. “Hush” seems to be such a simple task, but it’s definitely not! I thank you for posting this and for always talking about the “nitty gritty” of our journey with Jesus. Tasks are not always so simple, but rewarding. Reading this today makes me realize the long but exciting journey ahead of “becoming.” Thank you!! 🙂
i read this post days ago but your thoughts have been ringing in my heart and mind. such a powerful post! simply beautiful…
With the bases loaded you struck us out with that aswner!
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