So many times when I write on here I have to think about my words so closely because I know a certain person may be reading something. Well, this morning forgive me, but I cannot hide my words on this subject for anyone, this is something so personal and so close to my heart right now, so if I say something that offends you, I’m sorry, it’s not intentional, it’s just what’s between me and the Lord this morning.
God is really doing a lot of tweaking inside me right now. The past few days I have been walking around feeling like a pit in is in my stomach, like I’ve been “grieving”. Now nothing that has been going on in my life is anything close to being THAT bad, but I realized something HUGE yesterday, this isn’t “me” that’s making me feel this way, God is speaking, Oh my HE is speaking to my soul.
I’ve told ya’ll before that I feel like God has been saying to me, “You’d better get that weight off, because I’ve got so much more for your life then for you to be dealing with that issue forever.” Then I felt God saying to me, “You’d better start a bible study because that is what I’ve called you to do.” I’ve also been hearing, “You’d better start serving more because it’s a duty you need to fulfill.” And THEN there’s also been, “You know what your calling is Nicki, so do it!”
I realized that I have this “pit” in my stomach not because I’ve just been having a rough couple of days, it’s because God’s been speaking to me about vows I’ve made to Him and that I’m getting further and further away from those vows. I think yesterday reading in John about the Jordan river, really got me thinking. When I was in high school, I made some serious vows to the Lord. I have always had a calling on my life, you can ask my mom, I was spreading the gospel at the age of four! So, I lead bible studies, I was very active in First Priority (a christian club), I went on mission trips, any time those doors were open at church, I was there.
But, then I got really side-tracked, Satan got a hold on me for a while, I fell away and fell into sin. I broke my vows that I had made to stay pure for my future husband. I broke my vows to serve him in everything I did. I broke my vow to let HIM be the Lord of my life. I let the desire for things come before him. Oh my heart becomes so sad to think that I’ve tried to change my calling into being a mom and leading a bible study. God is saying, No….my child……no, you know I’ve asked you for more. You know that feeling when God is telling you to do something and you are like, NO WAY.
This morning, I really could go on and on about this. I’m not set free yet, I’m not restored yet. I still have that “pit” in my stomach. But, I’m so glad I finally know what that pit is. I don’t have answers, I just know that I have broken vows to my Lord, and the bible says that it is better to not make a vow then to make one and break it. I guess I’m finally coming to the realization that this calling on my life is not going to go away. I finally realize just how serious it is when God has a mission for your life and you choose not to do it.
But oh my, there are some ugly heart issues that God is dealing with me on right now. And I know, just like I know I’ve got to get this weight off and be done with it, I’ve got to work out those issues and be done with it. This verse speaks so highly to me right now, Psalm 116:16 “O Lord, I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant, you have freed me from my chains.” Oh those words are so precious to my heart this morning, I am the Lord’s servant, no matter what vows I have broken to Him, he can restore them, He can make it right, He can free me from the chains that bind me down. I’m at a crossroads today, and I feel like the Lord is saying, “Well, there it is, whatcha gonna do?” I’m gonna restore my vows that I have made to the Lord, but I realize that I need to cover this is a ton of prayer and scripture and guidance before I speak or act on it.
Have a blessed day.
