Lord, Make me radiant within

Psalms 51:12
“Let me again experience the joy of your deliverance! Sustain me by giving me the desire to obey!”

I cannot help but be in complete surrender to my Lord this morning. I am seeing more and more each day how small and incomplete I as a person am. It is only through the joy of my salvation in Christ that I may ever overcome these battles that I face on a daily basis. My mind cannot even begin to grasp the greatness of our Lord, not even if I sat for hours and tried to make it happen. When I fail to have even the desire to obey I do not have a willing spirit, I do not have the joy found in my salvation, I am walking in darkness through a storm. Have you ever known someone who seems to create “drama” in their lives…….I do. And I must confess that there have been times when I have allowed circumstances to be more than they need to be, but what woman hasn’t? But what I’m talking about is the person who is always looking for the next storm to fall, waiting for it it happen, even expecting it to happen.

Do we create many of our problems ourselves? Quite possibly. Walking in disobedience is so hard, but what I fail to understand are people who are walking in disobedience and realize that’s what it is and continue on, but always claiming God’s mercy in their lives. I’ve said many times before that Kris and I are at a crossroads in our lives with many financial decisions we have made. We certainly have the opportunity to push ourselves to the max and burn ourselves out again, but what I’m so thankful for is that I have already been through that storm and the Lord has given me the desire so strongly to obey Him with our finances. Perhaps because I have experienced first hand God give and take away. But it’s so hard watching someone else go through what you have been through and see themselves recognize the problem and fail to turn and sink further and further.

Sometimes it’s simply asking God to take those desires away. Do I still desire a big house and new furniture? Yes, but the desire is less than the GREAT desire to obey. When that desire is changed we become so radiant within us……that is just shines out like nothing else in our lives. This is a deep, and I mean DEEP transformation. There is nothing “surfacy” about it! The Lord continues to break me on a daily basis…….and I am in the process of praying for complete brokenness with my struggle with weight. I realize that until I come to that point of complete and I mean COMPLETE brokenness, I will never be victorious in that area. I can mope and cry about it, I can make excuses and I can dwell in the darkness of my sin…….but I will NEVER and I mean NEVER have radiance shine through me until I have been transformed.

I have allowed God’s desires for me to obey follow through in many areas of my life. I have been delivered from what I believe was a great battle of depression…….with no drugs. I have been set free from the darkness of my life because I chose to walk in the light. BUT, it only came from this deep desire in me to obey. And why does this battle seem so huge and so drawn out? I don’t know. Now that I think about it……..I don’t know if I’ve ever prayed for God to give me such a strong desire to obey through that area that it would make me physically sick to my stomach when I don’t. I really think I need something drastic to get this through my soul.

I LOVE how this verse says, “Let me AGAIN experience the joy of your deliverance.” How sweet that is to my heart. That God doesn’t just allow one deliverance in our lives and that’s it. We can experience it through ALL areas of our lives. And just like God took those desires away from me for the “things” of this world (not the temptation, I will always face that!) I know that God can deliver me from this battle of weight. I will always face temptation but I know that I can be delivered and I can have that radiance within me that I desire so much. Just to be free!! Listen to what my commentary says about this, “Victory over sin is never possible until a new creation is a reality of experience. The broken, willing spirit is the sinner’s preparation. The Spirit of holiness works out the divine purpose.”

Oh My Sweet Lord, do not let me walk in disobedience today. Make that desire to be broken so strong that I cannot stand it when I sin. Lord, I need deliverance through this area in my life. Make me so broken that you will begin to mold me again so that your divine purpose can be fulfilled in my life. Lord, I want victory, but I have to desire it…..make that desire so strong and so powerful that the Holy Spirit will truly make me a new creation, filled to the brim with the radiance of you. That’s all I want………is you flowing through me so much that others would simply look at me and see that there is something different without me even opening my mouth. Thank you Father for the great things you have delivered me from and I pray for more and more deliverance in my life. As much as it hurts and no matter how humbling and painful it is, make it happen. I am ready Lord, I surrender……..I give up.