May I apologize?

Good morning sweet bloggy friends.

My heart is in an uproar this morning and I feel as though I may not be able to make it through this post without many tears. Which I must….because I know the Lord is asking me…..to just be me….this morning.

Because if it even effects one person…..it’s worth it.

This all began in my heart this past Sunday in church. During our Sunday school lesson we looked closely at betraying Christ. Our teacher who just happened to be Amy’s husband, lead us through Mark chapter 14, particularly the denial from Judas and Peter.

Two of the Lord’s closest friends, his team members, his brother’s, his “I’m counting on you” buds……they betrayed Him….deeply.

We looked at the Lord’s reaction to his right hand men and how he handled it and I must say that I did learn a lot about how to react when someone you trust seems to betray you. But that’s a whole different blog! 😉

Since Sunday, my heart has been unsettled. For many reasons. But mainly this….at one point in the lesson we got into a little side-bar about people who are not Christians and how they may pose the question to Christians that in essence….we have a lot of nerve claiming to be who we say we are, when our lives over history don’t line up with it.

Ex: Peter and Judas……denying Christ. The Crusades…..killing in the name of Christ. The “Baptist” denomination, that was actually founded out of a racial plunge……..The you can’t be apart of our church for this and that……The lies told from the pulpit……..The crucifying of other’s because they were not perfect…..

The Shame all brought on in the name of……..Jesus.

Doesn’t seem so pretty, does it?

Although I have never stood on a battle line and shot someone in the name of Jesus or flat out to Jesus’s face denied him like Judas and Peter did……but I must say, the overwhelming conviction from this lesson has been a little unbearable.

Because, let me tell you what I have done……

I have gone out into the world at times and gone about my business like I didn’t care about a soul in this world. (Matthew 9:37 Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few)

I have said, “I will pray” and never did. (Exodus 20:16 “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.)

I have judged. (Matthew 7:1 Do not judge…..)

I have thought of people wrongly.(Matthew 7:3-5 says, “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?…)

I have not known my bible inside and out and not been prepared to give someone an answer for why I believe what I believe.(Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. 1 Peter)

I have listened to what turned out to be un-godly council because I didn’t turn to the Lord first.(A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26)

I have questioned God. (Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. Ecclesiastes 5:2)

And I can find scriptures to oppose all of these other’s up but time doesn’t allow this morning,………I have also had a yucky attitude at times, a sinful heart, a heart that was full of anger,jealousy, pride and even hurt and my list could go on……and on.

All of this, in “His Name”.

I realize there may be someone reading this right now that is going, “What kind of girl is this?”

Yes, I would agree. What kind of girl am I? Who am I pretending to be? Who am I fooling…the answer is no one.

I am no one and am fooling no one.

Some would say that this blog is no place to be writing these types of things out, because it does nothing to bring shame to my Lord’s name. They are right. But I feel there is a bigger shame in pretending, denying we “Christians” act this way, professing to be holy, righteous, set-apart people….when we are acting no different than anyone!

This is heavy…..I know.

And this morning, I feel as though I just need to apologize on behalf of whom I represent.

I, personally, follow a man who caused no harm to anyone…who loved all…..who put himself in the lowest of low positions….who stopped to help even just one person…..who came to love, to teach and to show the world the way. Who died a self-less death in order to make a way for you and I to experience His blessing here…..and later in eternity. And perhaps I, have more times than I would like to think….have too, betrayed my Lord.

I am sorry. To my Lord first. How merciful He is to forgive and forget….over and over. How loving He is to shower me with His love when I deserve none of it. How perfect of an example He left for me to follow and yet I do not. How incredible is His grace and how much he freely gives it and yet I do not always accept it.

I am sorry for who I am at times. I am sorry for every person that I have ever caused to think, “No thank you, Christianity is not for me.” I am sorry for every soul that I knew I was to sow a seed of the Lord into and did not.

I am sorry.

I do not write this to have a clean heart, a pure mind or a “whew..” got that off my chest. I write this to sincerely say, I am sorry to every non-believer out there.

And I cannot apologize to you for people who need to apologize directly, I cannot change others…..but I can do something, even little ol me…..I can let it begin with me.

Don’t wear the T-shirt unless you’ve really done it.

So to conclude this entry that I’ve been fighting for days to write…….I want to say…..that I am deeply sorry for all the people in this world who have been hurt in the name of the Lord, who have been treated wrong by those professing to be Christians, who have not been even given a glimpse of the love He can give us……my heart aches.

But as a challenge to myself and every other Christian out there, I need to get off this blog……get out in the world…….and start loving like He loves because if they don’t see it in me……they may never see it.

“Trust in Him at all times O people, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.” -Psalm 62: 8