The Inadequacies of my soul.

It’s a sweet Sunday morning. My girls are all sitting at the table watching their daddy make them Mickey Mouse pancakes. Not for me though, it’s oatmeal, I’m a girl on a mission -but that’s another post. We are going to the late church service this morning so it allows for a few extra minutes to just sit…drink coffee…and think.

Something I haven’t had a lot of time to do lately. Think, that is.

I have to be brutally honest for a second. I’m scared. Out-of-my-mind.

One week from tomorrow, at a very un-godly hour, I will board a plane and head off for an exciting adventure with Compassion International to El Salvador. And as excited as I am about going, I feel a pit in my stomach about leaving my crew for five days.

And not only am I leaving them but I just found out I may not be able to talk to them very much.

I may not be able to know if they are sick, if they miss me or if their daddy can put their hair in a ponytail the right way (Lord, have mercy for the hair while I’m gone).

In the midst of all the preparing for El Salvador, I’ve also been trying to get ready for the A Woman Inspired Marriage Conference. So of course, you know where the battle has been in my life the past few weeks. Yes, my marriage. [side-bar, there are still tickets available and you won’t want to miss this event! click here for more info]

The other night I was out to dinner with some sweet girlfriends and I just laid it all out. Bless their hearts, they got a mouthful from me.

“I just can’t do this! My marriage is nothing to look at and I’m supposed to be encouraging other women through this?”

They were super supportive and tried their best to help me to realize that God would be in control..of everything. Every detail. Every step. Every move.

This morning, I woke up and the word…”inadequate” just rang over me. I felt numb, like I couldn’t even take a step out of my bed without speaking to God first.

I felt like the Lord said to me, “Nicki, now you are right where I need you to be.”

I have never felt confident to speak or even to write. But, I have to be honest with you, the more you do it, the more confident you get in yourself, which I believe is not where God needs us to be.

Just like I am having to relinquish control with my girls to my husband and many sweet friends while I’m gone, I am also having to relinquish control with God more than I have ever.

While I don’t consider myself a control-freak, perhaps God is showing me what it’s really like to give up the steering wheel and let Him drive…the whole way.

I’ve been thinking about this quote from Brennan Manning:

“The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust.”

Giving up control equals trust.

And my ultimate goal in this life is, Authentic Faith. I believe we should always be thankful for the opportunities to give up control because through that, God can form us into the real person He wants us to be.

I have to trust that God is working…and no matter how inadequate I feel, He doesn’t require adequacy to serve Him.

So today, I think you and I should always be on the look for the situations that make us feel the most un-comfortable, out-of-place or inadequate. Thank God for those places, because then we can discover our greater need for a man named, Jesus.

What is the place that God is taking you to depend on Him more?

Much love in Him.