Day 17 -What am I lacking?

Yesterday I started back to running. My husband is a strong runner and is always pushing encouraging me to get back out there. I’m not a huge fan of the running. Its boring to me, I don’t see how people can want to do it for 20-something odd miles.

But, I know its good for me. It will help me reach my fitness goals and my heart will thank me later on down the road when it doesn’t scrunch up and going into attack mode.

Honestly, I am at that point again where I’d rather not write this post out. Gods already dealt with me on it and this isn’t going to be pretty. But just like it was good for me to get out there and run and exercise my heart…I know this is an exercise too.

I’ve got to keep going. Even if no one is reading, this isn’t effecting anyone…God revealed to me at the beginning of this that this is NOT what this 30 day journey is about. When will I get this through my thick skull?

Day 17.

As he went out into the street, a man came running up, greeted him with great reverence, and asked, “Good Teacher, what must I do to get eternal life?”18 Jesus said, “Why are you calling me good? No one is good, only God.19 You know the commandments: Don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, honor your father and mother.”20 He said, “Teacher, I have—from my youth—kept them all!”21 Jesus looked him hard in the eye—and loved him! He said, “There’s one thing left: Go sell whatever you own and give it to the poor. All your wealth will then be heavenly wealth. And come follow me.”22 The man’s face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go.23 Looking at his disciples, Jesus said, “Do you have any idea how difficult it is for people who ‘have it all’ to enter God’s kingdom?”24 The disciples couldn’t believe what they were hearing, but Jesus kept on: “You can’t imagine how difficult.25 I’d say it’s easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye than for the rich to get into God’s kingdom.”26 That set the disciples back on their heels. “Then who has any chance at all?” they asked.27 Jesus was blunt: “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it.”28 Peter tried another angle: “We left everything and followed you.”29 Jesus said, “Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message30 will lose out. They’ll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life!31 This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first.” -Mark 10: 16-29

Question 1 -What does this passage say?

This is a lesson in humility. The greatest key we will ever hold in representing Jesus is that it is a life-long journey of servant hood and humbleness.

There has to be a greater desire to receive and follow and to live in awe and wonder of who God is. This is the kind of spirit God can work with.

Not a spirit that knows everything, think they are the best at everything and keeps knocking everyone down in-between.

Question 2 -What does this passage mean?

This is a passage on discipleship. This is a lesson on humility, greatness and service.

Question 3 -What does this passage mean to me?

This morning, I’ve come before God to ask him a very hard question. Jesus, what is it that is lacking in my life?

I don’t hold great wealth.

I don’t hold a great title.

I don’t hold great value to much of anyone beyond my immediate circle of people. [this isn’t a downer on me…I’m just saying that in most of the world’s eyes…they don’t know me…therefore…they don’t care about me.]

So…what is it that I’m lacking in my life?

Wealth is what the rich young ruler wasn’t willing to give up to follow Christ. But what is it that I’m not willing to give up?

Is there something?

Here’s where it gets ugly….Sometimes, I feel like I am a scrub in the kingdom of heaven. You know, the girl who sits on the sidelines and cheers everyone else on forever waiting for her turn to play. I so often feel overlooked, not valuable, just…another foolish girl with big dreams.

I am just being honest.

Not having a pity party, just writing this out.

But where do I get this from? I know this doesn’t come from God. It doesn’t even come from the people I value the most in this life.

I think it comes from something I heard last night on the Made to Crave webcast.

My pastor was on there [I know right, he’s everywhere these days ] and he was talking about a word: insecurity.

He said, “My insecurity is the ultimate insult to God.”

Ouch.

And now….big ugly tears at 7:30 in the morning…ugh.

I have just been rejected so much in my life. And here I am trying to encourage others with my story of Being Unlikely…and I still feel like the most unlikely girl in the world.

After I got pregnant at 19…rejection.

After I got married…rejection.

After I tried to make friends…rejection.

After I tried to start telling my story…rejection.

So why would I NOT feel insecure?

Wow.

This isn’t pretty, see I told you.

I wish I could wrap up this post with a pretty little bow right now, but I just can’t.

I really do lack security that is found in the arms of God only. I do.

And in God’s eyes, its really no different than this rich young ruler not being willing to give up his wealth to follow Christ. Even though he wanted to…he just couldn’t do it.

I think that’s how I feel. I feel so weak.

I so badly want to x out of this post and never share this corner of my soul with a single person. In fact, I don’t think I have.

But it’s what I lack. I’m just being honest.

I’m not running around jealous, envious, angry or anything like that…I really do love to cheer other people on and I make sure to always have those emotions in check because they will RUIN us…just ruin us.

But in these moments, when its just me and Jesus…the security of my soul is at stake. I don’t know that I really believe those words: beautiful, chosen, hand-picked. Oh, I believe it for everyone else…but do I believe it for me?

Wow, this post is a hot spiritual mess.

Verse 27 is stinging through my soul right now:

Jesus was blunt: “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it.”

Every chance in the world….if we will let God do it.

So today, I am surrendering my soul…again. I will deny myself these emotions and choose to speak the truth to my heart…even when I don’t feel like I can do this anymore.

I sacrifice the familiarity that doubt, fear and disbelief has brought my life. I turn it back to the King who paid the ultimate price for my life.

I don’t want to insult Him anymore with my insecurity. He is for me. He is with me. He is still on His throne. And I have every chance to succeed at this because His word is sharper than a double edge sword.