Pseudo Me.

A few years ago I had a weird situation.

One morning I woke up with what seemed to be  scratch across my eye. It didn’t hurt but it was a major nuisance. I don’t know why but I tried to ignore it, thinking it would somehow go away on its own.

However, the next day my eye was the size of a golf ball [it was super awkward]. I looked a little hunch-back-of-notre-dame-ish.

No joke!

I could hardly see and it hurt.

Badly.

So I took my stubborn self to the eye doctor.

After a series of CT scans and numerous other tests the doctor concluded that I had a pseudo tumor.

All I heard was: TUMOR.

A few moments into the diagnosis my nerves stopped shaking when the doctor explained to me what a pseudo tumor was.

It was a fake.

Not real.

A concern -but  it was treatable.

So the doctor loaded me up with steroids [aka: mood enhancers], antibiotics and whatever-the-heck-else he could so that within a few weeks I would be back to normal.

In the days that followed though, every detail of life was more noticeable.

Hot pink blooming azaleas.

Crosses that climb our Carolina Blue skies.

And bits of hay stuck to an unknowing, carefree cow [smile].

Even though that tumor was a fake it still had a profound effect on me.

This morning my mind was drawn to this situation as I process a concept close to my soul.

Pseudo Me.

I have an honest confession…

I have learned to fake this Jesus girl thing like the best of them.

I can speak Christianese like you would not believe.

And, I can be easily offended in the “name of Jesus” -like its going out of style.

Oh my. Suddenly this post has gone drastically honest.

The truth is, I feel like my soul is on this constant teeter of:

Real Nicki vs Pseudo Nicki

I can choose to ignore this gut-wrecking truth or I can look at the wounds I have caused myself through my lack of authenticity.

No one’s life is changed by living in denial.

Here’s my deal….

I love to be a strong person of faith but the truth is, over the past few months my faith has been a hot mess.

I have had an imperfect marriage, a struggling first year of owning a company, difficulties in ministry, family situations and three little girls that -believe it or not- have rolled their little eye balls at me [more than once!].

And, guess what else?

There are people in this world who annoy me. [My neighbors? Who blow every speck of dust off their driveway, every 30.5 seconds? Lord help them…]

But, I am learning to step back. To evaluate. To question. To be frustrated.

I would be a fool to think those things aren’t going to rise up.

However,

~I don’t have to like everyone.

~I don’t have to make life seem perfect.

~I don’t have to fear opposition.

These are the things that keep me real, keep me grounded and keep from loosing sight to what an authentic life with Jesus really is about.

God isn’t intimidated by my fraudulent tendencies.

And for today, that’s the best starting point to understanding the real me.