I’m just going to get right to this today…
There are some people I don’t like and I no longer feel guilty for feeling that way.
A few weeks ago I was around one of these people. Being in the same room as this person often makes me feel uncomfortable but I struggled as to whether or not I should feel this way.
I was trying to figure out why this person bothered me the way they did. I needed to understand where these emotions I had were coming from.
So, I replayed some of the events that had led me to this place of not liking them. I justified my feelings; we are very different people and our personalities clash. They do things I don’t feel are right and I feel like they’ve done some hurtful things.
Should I feel guilty for feeling this way?
Is liking and loving the same thing?
How can I be like Jesus if I really don’t like this person?
These were the questions I wrestled with. As I tried to work through this, I began to feel this prompting on my soul:
“Nicki, you don’t have to like but you do need to love.”
As we move closer to the heart of God there will be opportunities for us to see the things that cloud our hearts from the love of God. Confusing like with love can be one of those foggy places.
I believe there were people [ex: the Pharisees] that Jesus probably didn’t like -yet He still lived a life of love.
Here are 2 things I’m thinking through about this:
1. Loving in spite of is possible even when we think right.
We will always go where our thoughts are leading us. So we may need to shift our thoughts from like to love.
Philippians 4:8 says this best:
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
We can either think about all the things we don’t like about a person or we can shift our thoughts to think on the things of God. Doing this will fill our thoughts with love instead of dislike.
2. Loving in spite of is possible from a distance.
My pastor recently did a sermon series called How to Hug a Vampire, it was about learning to love the people who suck the life out of you. 🙂
There was one phrase he said that really stuck with me: “Jesus said we have to love but sometimes we need to love from a distance.”
Amen.
The reality is this: there are some people who do not make our souls well for various reasons. God has shown me that loving from a distance is perfectly ok. It doesn’t mean that we are mean or ugly to them but it means we have to do what we have to do to keep our hearts clear.
It also means that we may need to keep our avoidance plans to ourself. Others don’t need to know our reasons for choosing to not be around certain people. Your heart business is between you and God. He will show us what we need to do and then its up to us to decide to obey or stay miserable.
So do the things that make your heart well for Him.
May we breathe a sigh of relief in understanding this… no, we don’t have to like everyone but we should always feel challenged to love like God.
What are some ways you have learned to love difficult people? I’d love for you to leave a comment today and share your story.
23 Comments
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This post rings so true. Just yesterday I struggled with this very situation. I am so glad that God put these words on your heart to share.
So grateful this spoke to you Misty. This is a hard struggle. With you.
Really enjoyed this post, Nicki. Thanks for your vulnerability. I’ve never thought about loving from a distance, but it’s a brilliant idea… to stay removed from the situation or person doesn’t mean a lesser amount of love, it may just mean a greater amount of wisdom.
Hey Kate! 🙂
Yes, this concept has changed my life… for real. I love your take on it…”to stay removed from the situation or person doesn’t mean a lesser amount of love, it may just mean a greater amount of wisdom.”
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. 🙂
I can relate to this so well, Nicki. I believe this to be very true in my life, “We will always go where our thoughts are leading us. So we may need to shift our thoughts from like to love.” This has been terrible for me personally because my flesh is so weak……. so. weak.
It’s frustrating because I can control my thoughts I put on social media because I have time to think through what I am saying or if I read over a post from some one I don’t particularly care for saying something that may be hurtful, it’s easy for me to ignore and push “hide post” … but in real life, it’s not that easy, and those words that people choose stay with us sometimes for a very long time.
I am so thankful for your blog and ultimately your heart for the Lord and for people. Especially the unlikely people. I have struggled with a lot of self awareness this past year which has been good and bad.. but mostly it hurts. a lot. It’s always comforting to know that people who seem like the have it all together can be vulnerable enough to share that they have real struggles, too. Thank you for that.
Kristen, I so relate to what you are saying about social media. Blocking people or moving on with something else is much easier than it is in real life. It looks differently too but it is possible.
I’m grateful for you and our “virtual” friendship. 🙂 I hope one day we cross paths.
Thanks for sharing! I’ve learned to do this with certain people in my life. People who I love, but don’t necessarily like. So good to know that others understand that. Also humbled to know that I too might be the person who is not liked…and I’m okay with that, finally…after 38 years. (okay, still learning to be okay with that, but I’m making progress)
Hugs!
Mary
Mary, Lysa has a quote in her new book unglued that says, “One good choice equals imperfect progress.” That has stuck with me through this particular journey. It’s hard. But small steps. Hugs to you!
Can’t wait for Lysa’s book and the study with Melissa! I’m gonna need this one.
Also want to take the time to tell you I read your posts and they bless me…even if I’m not commenting on every one. 🙂
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Let me try this again~ (sorry about the blank comment above)
Fabulous post Nicki. Really stirs my heart. I love your 2 suggestions:
1. Loving in spite of is possible even when we think right ~shift our thoughts to think on the things of God. This is such wise advice. Sometimes our thoughts of someone may be counterproductive, so instead think about God. Thank you so much for sharing that. It relieves a burden when we can release our minds of that turmoil and hurtful place that thinking of someone might bring. Thoughts of God bring peace and have brought me to a place that I trust Him more. He is capable. I can let it go.
2. Loving in spite of is possible from a distance.
This is something I’ve gotten better at, but it takes practice.
You cover tough topics in your writing and I love that! Thanks for not being afraid to tackle big and sometimes touchy topics.
Love you sista and I would love to re-post this blog article when I lead the Unglued study in a few months if you would allow it. Let me know 🙂
Mel, thank you so much for this comment… it means a lot. I know you are walking this out too and I appreciate your insight on it. Of COURSE you can use for Unglued! 🙂 Love you!
Nicki,
So. Needed. This. Today. Been struggling with this same concept and I feel guilty because I know there are some I need to love from a distance and that it is OK. Loved the “How to Hug a Vampire” series as well! Taught me lots…maybe I need to go back and listen in my “waiting time” now.
Bless you my friend! Love your site!
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Oh Amy… I’m sorry to hear this. You are going through so much right now and dealing with people that are difficult to love must be tough. Loved that series. I’ve listened to it again. 🙂 Continuing to pray for you and Kevin!!
Wow! Literally just “found you” today in my inbox!
Right now, I am going through a nasty ugly divorce. While it isn’t my first rodeo so to speak, I truly thought this was from God, so having all of my illusions stripped away to bare basics has been hard. And rough. And exhilarating, scary and exhausting. Quite the big fat conundrum all in all.
And yet? In the midst of the ugly, disastrous mess, I have seen Christ shining through. He has provided for me, shown me rooms that needed cleaning out, and enabled my faith to grow deeper and stronger.
My not-quite-an-ex-yet has been vindictive, working to tear up my character and reputation to shreds. And coming out from under the emotional battering, I have seen just how horrifically I was bound. However, Christ led me to two different women of God and I went through “The Search for Significance” and also “Boundaries”. It was my boundaries facilitator that gave me the analogy of how folks are in our lives – either in the garden (because even there Jesus was sometimes alone), the multitudes or the moat.
My “garden gnomes” are those who are praying alongside of me, helping with the insurmountable (to my human eyes) burdens in front of me. They will hold my confidences, and will impart Truth as the Holy Spirit leads them.
My multitudes are those folks who know me, may know some of the circumstances, but either I haven’t known them long enough for them to enter the garden or they have so much going on in their own lives that it would likely overwhelm them, so they pray from the distance.
Lastly, over across the moat are those people who have inflicted wounds so deep that for my own emotional protection, they had to be put to the side. It doesn’t mean I don’t pray for them, I do, but have no other obligation beyond ensuring I am noncommittal when forced to deal with them. My husband, the state and a few other folks are in this category.
Thank you Nicki, for your transparency. I signed up to for your blog, because I have a sneaky suspicion that you’ll be reading my mail some more! God bless you.
Darlene, my friend, I am so sorry for what you are walking through right now… it sounds very difficult. Praying that as you continue to work through this God will show you how to love through this process. Hugs.
Hi Nicky,
nice piece and very true. one thing i find that helps me with
these people is finding something, anything that i can like about them or admire about them or that makes me smile about them and
focusing on that attribute. also, we have to remember love is a
decision (hear that all you marrieds)not a always bushy warm
feeling. whoever it is God loves them as much as He loves us,
we should act accordingly.
Love this input Joseph. Thank you… wise words.
I agree with you, Joseph. Certainly, we can find one thing that we like or admire in each person. If not, maybe we need to get to know them better!
Just found your website, and this article really hit home to me. I thought because I didn’t “like” a person (one in particular) I was a bad person and not following what God wants me to do. After reading your article I realize it’s not just me that feels this way. I do need to “love” but it’s ok to do that from a distance. Sometime that’s the best way to handle a situation. Then maybe the “like” will surface in the future, and if not then loving from a distance is how it will be for me. Thank you so much for this much needed eye opener. God is so good!!
Just stumbled across your blog this morning – and read this post. Just wanted to say thank you. I’m struggling with a situation close to home and heart and it was very helpful to read these words today. I’m trying to love even though I don’t like and at times I’ve wondered if what I was doing was right. Should I address this person? Should I talk to them about how I feel? I’ve prayed about it, thought about it, and worried about it but I am going to let it go and love instead. Thank you!
I read this blog when you first posted it, but I just came across it again. Though for me its hard to love from a distance because I can’t really get distance from a few people I have this issue with… because it is family from my husbands side. He isn’t very happy with them himself and we have been having a really hard time learning how to still love even though we may not like. And the even harder thing is that my brother is engaged to my husbands sister who we have the issue with. It’s a very hard situation and still trying to learn how to deal with it properly.
I don’t want to have these hard feelings and need a free heart so I can learn to love despite the dislike of what they are doing. I have ordered the book Unglued and I’m looking forward to reading it and planning on doing the study with Melissa and hope they can help me in this situation.
Thanks for sharing and I was wondering if your pastor’s sermon “How to Hug a Vampire” might be somewhere online so I can listen to it. I could use all the help I can get right now. 🙂
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