In my hesitations yesterday to hit “post” on my blog, I felt something inside me say, “Just keep walking this out.” But being this vulnerable isn’t easy. I heard from so many of you through email, facebook, twitter and in the comments saying, “Yes, me too.”
I’m grateful and encouraged to have you walk this out with me. I pray we will be faithful to allow God to interrupt us in these everyday common places. I promise to not hold back my heart’s reactions to this process and I hope you will continue to share how God is interrupting you.
I had a big gut-check yesterday afternoon…
Driving to pick up my girls from school [my very ordinary] I looked up in the sky and saw an airplane. May sound odd to you but airplanes are a trigger for me to pray, “God, here I am… send me.” [Isaiah 6:8]
But as soon as this thought of “going” crossed over my soul again, I felt a deep sense of awareness of my struggle. I consistently find myself looking for the next adventure with God and fighting this routined life.
My prayer, “Jesus interrupt me,” is about experiencing God in THIS place. But there I was, once again, feeling completely drawn to… “go”.
Frustrated I thought, Maybe I’m just not cut out for this suburban-stay-at-home-mom gig. I always thought I’d be a missionary in Africa starting medical clinics to save little babies fighting AIDS.
The truth is, this is hard for me. I am more than ever strongly disliking this suburban life filled with my high-class problems, “Which beach should we go to this summer?”
See. This is where it starts to get ugly. And I recognize… this is my ugly, not everyone struggles like this.
Maybe God will interrupt my life by leading me to start a medical clinic in Africa one day [but, neither me or my husband has anything to do with medicine so… probably not.]
But I know God wants me to experience Him in THIS place the same way I would “in Africa starting a medical clinic” [insert other realistic dream.] But sheesh… why is this is so hard?
Today I sat at my daughter’s school waiting to have lunch with her. My thoughts make me feel like I’m on the verge of insanity while I’m processing this whole interruption thing and I at least need to appear normal [smile], so I flip through my phone trying to clear my head.
I came across this:
I don’t get to this quiet place. I role-play before God. I dream. I vision. I think of what’s next. While these are not necessarily bad things, I’m sensing this could be why I have missed so much of experiencing Him… in THIS place.
And there, at that picnic table, I realized maybe this is my first step.
So I pause and pray more honestly than I ever have,
God, I want to stop fighting this place. Will you give me passion for the ordinary things of life? Will you help me to stop dreaming… for now? I’m afraid my dreams, my plans, my visions are messing things up and I’m missing so much. Help me find this quiet place in my soul.
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Love your passion for Jesus. And am running alongside you, holding heart high to be interrupted in this beautiful journey.
xoxo, Sam
Thx Sam. Grateful to have you beside me, always. 🙂
Wow…your thoughts are my life exactly….I feel like you could have read this out of my own journal. “My thoughts make me feel like I’m on the verge of insanity while I’m processing this whole interruption thing and I at least need to appear normal”…that has been my life since November. I think I’m going insane thinking the things I’m thinking….wanting something more…something different…I sense my heart changing too…but i don’t know how or what or why.
I want to trust the Lord so bad…but I have been going to God with my plans…instead of listening to him. Thank you for your honesty. Its touched me very deep. You have challenged me to be honest as well. I will be here on this journey with you too!
Hi Brooke, funny that is the line you identified with because I hesitated to write it. I guess I’m still “holding back” a little. But I’m encouraged to hear that someone else is experiencing this too. Thanks for joining me in this and I hope you will continue to share your thoughts about this process. Praying for us both today.
Oh my gosh!! I am dumbfounded right now. Let’s be honest, I talk to myself. I dream up these magical (or not so magical) stories of what’s going to happen to me someday so that I can really feel God in this place. This is sort of like your sickness, moving, changes, etc. Then when I go to write in a journal or for no reason at all, I come up with nothing. I can’t find Jesus, and I opt out of trying to meet him the next day. This journey is going to be interesting for sure!
Hi Jessica, I hear you… never thought about this as a sickness for me. Perhaps that is something I need to chew on a bit more… you could be on to something. I’m grateful to have you continuing to walk this out… it is an interesting journey. 😉
Hey Nicki,
I didn’t mean this was a sickness, but I meant life’s interuptions like having to move or being sick, like you had mentioned in the vlog. However, it may have something to do with us not completely trusting God in this place. I know that is the case for me. I take my plans to him instead of listening. Have a blessed day 🙂
xoxo
Ok. 🙂 That’s what I get for reading that so fast. I get it now. Thanks for clarifying.
As I read your post I was thinking that as you describe your journey you sound so stagnate and disconnected in your emotions and thoughts, however, I completely understand exactly how you feel. I was and still am going through a journey similar to yours of interruption. I was interrupted in the month of May in every aspect of my life and I can tell you that as I journey out of this season I am not coming out empty handed. I have a greater peace, a greater faithfulness, and a better understanding of God’s promises for me. The feeling of uncertainty, stagnate feeling, and stagnate thinking, did not last and things are beginning to make since again. I too was feeling and asking is there more to this life besides mommy, wife, and daily routines because there are so many other things I want to do. But as I was praying today I heard God say “preserving you”, and I understand now that He is allowing things to feel out of place for a season so that we will yield to His will. He is preserving us because if we achieved our goals and dreams right now we wouldn’t get everything He has for us. But when He releases us everything He has promised is coming to you full force and we will receive it unguarded and fully experience His glory. If He allowed us to stay in a comfortable state and never shake the boat, we will never be able to obtain everything He has in store for us. For example, if out at sea and God allows a storm to come the water will move and the boat will shake giving the illusion that it will flip over. However God is only stirring up the waters on our behalf so that when the storm has ceased there will be an abundance of game due to the moving waters causing them to be unguarded and more attainable to catch. So although the moving waters makes the boat shake and gives the illusion of the boat being unstable and the fear of possibly turning over it won’t because God still has it under control. So instability in ourselves will commission us to lean and depend on God and trust in Him. Be Blessed!
Hi Erica,
Thanks so much for piping in on this post. I’m grateful to hear your story as well and in encourages me to know you are on the “other side” of this.
Its interesting that you felt my thoughts sound stagnate and disconnected because I feel like I’m really allowing myself to work through these emotions… more than I ever have. But I appreciate you saying that because it made me realize how emotionally sluggish I do feel in this process. Its getting old and its only day 3 today.
I also like your out a sea analogy… letting that soak in today. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Blessings to you.
When I mentioned stagnant I meant in an emotional roller coaster way. One minute up and anticipating this journey and the next minute guarded and hesitant. But I believe when we are stagnant our hearts are sounding alarms letting us know that we are human and in our weakness our Father is our strength. Forgive me if it was misunderstood. Remember you are right where God wants you.
Gottcha. 🙂 Thanks for clarifying. I completely agree.
There was a Catholic priest who spent 20 yrs in a communist chinese prison camp. he was systematically tortured and constantly threatened with death because he was preaching Jesus to the other inmates. he said EVERY day when he got up he would say ”I am where I am because of Gods will”. I like to remember that and repeat it myself when my mind goes into the wanderlust mood. that is what i use to interrupt myself and thank Him for wherever I am at the present time. acceptance can be a hard thing but He knows best. He has given you a vocation practice and enjoy what you have.
Hi Joseph,
I love this example. Thanks for sharing it. I can see how being in such an intense place would cause someone to pray that prayer. I think maybe life feels to “safe” right now and I want to move my faith to a place where I do feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Just not there yet…
Thanks for letting me process this with you. I hope you will continue to share your insight.
Thank you for having the courage to hit “post” and to write this Nicki. Your words ring so true to me. Thank you for this today!
Grateful this is speaking to you too Amanda. Hope you will continue to share about your journey.
Hi Nicki
I’m right with you as you explore what this means for your life. It’s funny but for me it’s the other way round; I am so very comfortable with routine and predictability and all that feels ‘secure’ and safe and unexciting! The problem is that increasingly I know that God is calling me to step out of my comfortable niche and put my head over the parapet.
This is what I’m going to do. (Gulp.) Recently I’ve been bombarded with messages from people, Bible verses, things I’ve read and noticed and they are all about stepping out in faith.
‘My playing small doesn’t serve the world.’ said Marianne Williamson.
I have a coaster that says, ‘What would you attempt to do if you knew that you couldn’t fail?’
Max Lucado said, ‘As God calls, he equips.’
St Paul said, ‘Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine…’
Sorry, I’m going on.
Thankyou so much for sharing your interruption. Inspiring.
With love. Hx
Interesting. I’ve been on that side too and it does seem like God bombards our thoughts with the way He is leading us. Thanks for sharing these tidbits, they are encouraging to me today. I hope you will keep sharing with me where God is leading you personally. Blessings.
Something drew me to come to your blog today & I know it was the Holy Spirit. Just earlier today I had this thought going through my mind today at work, “is this all there is?” I know there are things that I want to do for God & accomplish through Him, but when I don’t see any of it happening, it makes me wonder. I’m single without children, but I guess you could say that my my life has become pretty routine. I get up, go to work, pick up my grandmother from work & take her home when she needs one, because she doesn’t drive. Then I come home & relax the rest of the evening, just to start all over again the next day. Other than choir practice & church attendance, I don’t have much of a social life. I guess I’ve become complacent & comfortable in my daily routine, that I’m afraid to step out. Sorry this is a little long, but I wanted to share this with you & tell you that I feel like I’m supposed to join you on your journey. I will also be praying for you as well. 🙂
Hi Tiffany, I’m so glad you share this… these comments are really moving me. To see that so many people are working through this too. I don’t have the answers to this yet and I don’t have peace about it yet either. So I’m grateful to meet you on this journey and hope that together we can figure out how to do this life well. Praying for you too.
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